It's been a long time coming...

Have you ever had a really angry conversation with God?

I've had a few. Tonight was one of those nights...and it was a long time coming.

You know when someone rubs you wrong, and its all you can do to say nothing and ignore whatever it is that person does that makes you so crazy? Day after day this person eats away you. And the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. In fact, things that never used to bother you seem to drive you off the wall just because that someone who rubs you wrong is doing it. And then one day, you snap.

That was me tonight. And, God was that someone who was rubbing me wrong.

And finally, I let Him have it. And, it felt so good.

The past few weeks, God has been digging at me. "I know you're not happy, my Allie. Let's talk." I just ignored Him. After all, it's His fault, right? So, I went through the motions...I still spent time reading His Word each day and bringing my needs before Him, but I was not happy with Him.

But tonight, I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't occupy my mind with homework or talking with friends or even a favorite book. I just kept getting madder and madder. My mind was racing, until...

Why do You have to sabotage everything?
I begged You not to touch this, and you had to stick Your nose in.
Why can't You just let me be happy? 
Why do I have to be here?
Why did You make me this way?
I hate everything You've made me to be and are making me to be.
And, why will You not fix Brooks already? 
Why would You do this to him, to us?
Hasn't this been long enough?

...and then the kicker...

Why does everything have to be about You?

Ah-ha... And just like that, I wasn't mad anymore. My anger was replaced with what should have been there the whole time: a broken heart with open hands.

I have been longing for and quite literally clinging to things that do not and cannot satisfy. I've been setting my mind on earthly and temporary things to fill my needs.

I forgot that it's not about me. It's all about Him.
I forgot that though I am unfaithful, He is always faithful.
I forgot that He alone has seen my every moment and yet continues to love and pursue me.
I forgot that He is purposeful.
I forgot that He is good.
And, I forgot that He is the only One who can take my searing pain and turn it into dancing.

I forgot my first love.

Tonight I reminded myself of the daughters of Babylon in Isaiah 47...who said, "I am, and there is none beside." It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it now. How revolting. But, what freedom I felt when I handed it over to my Lord.

I just want to encourage you, whoever might be reading this, that if you are angry with God...tell Him. It's ok to be angry. He wants to know. He wants heal whatever is broken.


Gracious Heavenly Father,
Thank You for Your faithfulness though I am unfaithful. Thank You that You are good even when I don't see it. Thank You for loving me, mess that I am. Father, let me fix my eyes on You. Make me like Daniel, resolving not to be defiled by the Babylon that I live in. You alone are the King of my heart. Forgive me for allowing anything or anyone other than You sit in Your place. Lord, you are, and there is none beside.